I am a Jew.
And as such, I wandered in the years after college, seeking answers to the only questions that ever really interested me: Why am I on this earth? What is the purpose of my life?
I grew up in a fairly prosperous Jewish family in Washington D.C. All my friends in the neighborhood were Jewish, and I always felt my Jewish identity strongly—it was in my blood and bone, though at home we had no religious training and none of the religious practices. We did, however, belong to a synagogue that was part of the liberal wing of American Judaism. My involvement there was without enthusiasm, and consisted of attending "Saturday school" (at least until the age of sixteen, when I was "confirmed") and services for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur a few times each year.
In the mid-1960s, I went on to Yale. There, during the social upheavals of the day, I began to question seriously the meaning of my human life. It became apparent to me that the material world around me was not real. I sensed that reality was hidden behind the "screen" of the physical, a notion that fascinated me. I was open to much of the thinking prevalent among the younger generation of the day, and I was swept along by the romantic idea that we, the youth, were radically different from our elders and that we would find a better way to live. Endless late-night discussions with friends went in circles, however, never providing the answers I sought.
Upon graduation from Yale, I began an extended period of seeking that included dabbling in various forms of meditation as well as Eastern religion and philosophy. I wanted to find God. As I would later see, I was stymied by the very idea that framed my search at the time; that is, I believed that within each of us was a divine "spark" that we simply needed to tap. I thought that if I could successfully peel away enough layers of the "onion" of self, I would be able to contact "God within."
Yet no matter how diligently I tried to locate this spark, I failed. In 1977, I traveled to Europe, as I had done before. This time, however, I intended to go to Israel as well, wanting to explore my Jewish roots more deeply in hope that perhaps this would satisfy me. While in Paris, I read an article that recounted the story of a young American Jew, much like me. He had wandered the earth, eventually finding his way to Jerusalem and into a particular yeshiva, or religious school, whose program was specially designed for English-speaking Jews who had little or no background in the Jewish religion. As I read this article on a bus in Paris, the desire for Israel was dramatically quickened. For the first time in my life, I sensed a profound connection to the place. I was thrilled, though somewhat taken aback.
From the moment of my arrival in Israel, I felt unexpectedly at home. Taking a bus to Jerusalem, I went directly to the Old City and to the Orthodox yeshiva about which I had read. Right away, I began taking classes on various aspects of Judaism.
Some years before, I had heard the gospel of Jesus Christ from my brother and had even attended a few Christian meetings. I had not been open to it at all, for the time of my salvation had not yet come. Still, the Lord was quietly working in me. Once in Israel, I found that I was curious about the steps of Jesus. I realized that I was where He had walked, even though I knew close to nothing about Him. As I sat in classes in the yeshiva, I wondered about this Jesus: Who was He? Convinced that one day, in the course of my searching for God, I would somehow have to account for Jesus and determine His standing, I asked a young rabbi, "So, who was Jesus?" He answered, "He was a false prophet." Indeed, I did not know who Jesus was, but I did know instinctively that the rabbi's statement could not be true.
The yeshiva was very near the Wailing Wall, or Temple Mount. I loved going to the Wall and living in that place, and treasured the crystal clear dusk that cast a unique quality of light over the city, Jerusalem the Golden. From time to time, I left the yeshiva to wander the streets of Jerusalem or travel through northern Israel. On one such trip north, I sat beside the Sea of Galilee. Knowing something of the story of Jesus, I gazed over the water and thought, "On that very water, Jesus walked."
After about three months of intermittent study in the yeshiva and half-hearted attempts to connect to Orthodox Judaism, I felt I had to leave Israel, having become convinced that I could not find God in the religious practices. I wanted to lay my hands on God, to touch Him, to appropriate Him, and nothing I had yet experienced had allowed me to do that.
Once again in the United States, I continued to seek here and there, hoping for a way to fill the emptiness I felt inside. I believed that God existed; I just did not know how to find Him. Deep within I also sensed that Jesus was real, though I was not quite ready for Him, thinking that somehow He would take over my life and leave me without choices. On one occasion, I strongly felt His presence and addressed Him directly: "Jesus, You stay away from me! I'm not ready for You!" His nearness was unsettling—I felt as if He were casting a net over me, gently pulling me to Himself, bit by bit.
A few days later, I saw a film about the life of Jesus and something registered inwardly. Calling my brother, I told him that I felt drawn to Jesus. He encouraged me to pray on the phone. I said, "I'm drawn, but there is a hardness around my heart." He replied, "That's okay, you can pray."
As he said these words, I was seized with fear. I saw an unbridgeable void opening up within me, and Jesus was calling me to step out over it in faith. I hesitated, in fear and trembling that I would tumble in and be lost. Then, beckoned by the Lord Himself, I took a step over the blackness, and I prayed, "Jesus, if You are real, manifest Yourself to me. Come into my heart and save me." As I spoke these words, Jesus caught me and held me. Something inside me broke, and I wept deeply and uncontrollably, my body shaking through the tears. I felt a wind rushing into my being, full of light and love. Still on the phone with my brother, I exclaimed in wonder, "Is this real? Is this actually happening?" As he rejoiced on the other end of the phone, he replied that it was indeed real. He asked me to read with him a few verses from the Gospel of John—"I am the bread of life...if anyone eats of this bread, he shall live forever;" "He who believes into Me...out of his innermost being shall flow rivers of living water." *
Before this time, these words had been just black and white—lifeless. Now, they were leaping off the page as food. I could feel them flowing into my deepest part, into my spirit, the part that had always been closed off, hungry, even starving. The words of the Bible had come alive and were feeding me and nourishing me at last. My search was over. I was stunned and breathless and saved!
I knew that this had not been simply a mental transaction, because I was clearly aware that the experience had unfolded not in my mind but in a deeper part of my being. What had happened was that, for the first time, I had found my human spirit, a part of me that was finally open to the Lord Jesus' nourishing supply of life.
The Lord had enlivened my spirit, and forever afterward, I would not be able to deny that it had happened. I was as certain as I could be that God had flooded into me—that, in fact, God had not been in me prior to that experience. Finally, I knew why all my efforts to find the "spark" within had failed—there is no spark without Jesus. Once my spirit had been touched, once I had opened to receive Him, I was satisfied. Faithfully, Jesus had sought me, and by believing in Him I had let myself be caught.
D.J.,
Washington D.C.
* John 6:48, 51; 7:38
If you would like to know God in a real way, all you must do is believe into Him and pray the following with a sincere heart:
"Lord Jesus, I am a thirsty sinner who needs You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins and resurrecting as the Spirit so that You could come into me. Forgive me of all my sins and false ideas of who You are. I receive You right now and drink of You. Thank You for flowing into me to be my life."
